A. asparagus. Throw it away. Unless it is tinned Asparagus Supreme - then have it on toast. Or mix it with a tin of peas as a side dish. Or use it to convince your friends that 'look, see, there are vegetables in my cupboard. Sheesh, guys.' Don't let them see the used-by date.

B. boiled water. Put rice, or eggs or packet soup in it - Umm.... or Milo. <see How to Make A Prefect Milo> Learn how to not boil things dry. Or to put to much of a thing in too little water. (I will never get the rice unstuck from the bottom of that pan. Never.)

C. call out for dinner. Often. A bacheloretts best friend is her telephone. :Most important! When calling through an order be sure to ask what they use to cook their food in i.e. nice yummy vegetable oil, or lard. See if the soup or gravy has a meat stock. Ask for a discount because there is no meat in your dish. If they say no, demand the meat you have paid for be included in a separate bag and feed it to the dogs when they deliver it.

D. duck eggs. You can blow the innards out & decorate the shells. Not good for much else though. Well, maybe as 'stink bombs' when they have gone rotten and you want to get that little bugger of a kid who...<whoops, ignore that....>

E. eat more fruit. You know, what the brown sludge at the bottom of the fridge used to be. Or what the exciting green and black growth supporting it's own fly colony in the fruit bowl used to be. Eat more of it. Or buy less.

 F. five food groups. 1 tinned. 2 packet. 3 frozen. 4 take out. 5 Mother. Be sure to eat of all of these groups for a rounded and balanced diet.

G. gourmet food. Not enough, over spiced and over priced, but wonderfully photographed. Often found in recipe books where they share the distinction of having almost as many ingredients in the entire book as one vegetarian dish <i.e., a whole gourmet book could hide in the ingredients list of, say, Red Bean Curry. Vegetarian cook books have been mistaken for telephone directories, or even small encyclopedias.>

H. home. Home is where the heart is - and the extra table setting anytime you want to drop by (see K).

I. inspiration - like the inspiration behind coffee omelets and melted cheese on rice crackers that comes to you at 2 in the morning after a night of drinking and bad karaoke. I feel inspired to eat out more.

J. joke. As in "Would you like some more Brussel Sprouts?" or "Oh yes, we have two vegetarian dishes. Would you like the chicken or the fish?"

K. kid - that is what you will always be to your parents. Take this idea, run with it. Getting at least one good home cooked meal a week may depend on how convincing you can play this card.

L. lunch. An Important Meal of the Day. You should never miss it. Unless you are busy. Or you have to make it yourself. Or there are raisins in it.

M. microwave. Proof that God exists. One of Her finer achievements in fact.

N. noodles. Five or two minute, I love them both.

O. other people. Friends, family, work-mates. They want to feed you. Indulge them often.

P. pick up or delivered? Just one of life's hard choices. Sorry, I can not help with this one, you are on your own.

Q. quick and easy recipes. As in Quite Impossible, I Question and Query that.

R. raisins. Avoid them. They are yucky.

S. sugar. A vital mineral essential to the bodies function. Readably available in such foods as chocolate, toffee and pavlovas. They are all health foods in fact.

T. toppings. Fast food pizza and sandwich outlets are often sloppy, so ask them to pick the bits of chicken, pork and mule out of the cheese tray before making up your pineapple cheese deluxe. They wont, but ask anyway.

U. underhanded. As in the shop assistant that tells you there are no animal products in their soup, then lists beef stock in the ingredients to another customer. Or <worse> the restaurant owner that is so sorry, he will get you a soup without chicken in it right away! Then he takes it out the back, fishes out the big bits of chicken and returns the same bowl of soup to you. Then Charges You For An Extra Bowl Of Soup!

V. vegetables. I like mine from tins. Or roasted.

W. wok. Something to store wool, wire and watches in. Can be used in the emergency transfer of goldfish if you are very stupid.

X. x-ray. May be needed to find the oven from under it's pile of bills, pamphlets, old dog collars, towels, oven mitts, cat toys, empty bottles, magnets and dust.

Y. yucky stuff. Doesn't matter how good for you it is, don't eat it. If it tastes bad, it's probably off. Or has MSG in it. Or raisins. Or both.

Z. zucchini. Deep fry that sucker, melt under half a block of cheese and Mmmmm...delicious.

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