Fire Frog's

What's Love Got To Do With It?

A very wise man once said, "The best thing you can do for your children, is to love their mother."

So what does love have to do with it? Why do these feeling reach into our souls and wrench our worlds asunder? I believe it is for the children.

Very simple, yes? Not really. Let's go back in time. Once there was a girl who lived within a group of hunter-gatherers. There was a limited selection of mates, bar contact with other groups she would end up with a male whom she had grown up knowing all her life. And she would stay - more or less (hey, they were still complex people, even back then) with that same male. They would have children, but had only a limited time to look after them before they became 'adults' and had children of their own.

Fast-forwards. A girl living in Canberra has thousands of mates to chose from. And that is ignoring the possibilities supplied by overseas travel and the Internet. She possibly wont have been brought up with the male she chooses, so might not share his basic beliefs and values. He may be of a different social order from her family, different culture, different religion. And the children they have will stay with them statistically, for over twenty years. (They may go, then come back, statistically again, three times!)

The criteria used by the first girl can not match the second for picking a mate. The old rules of - is he healthy, wealthy and liked by the other members of my tribe (nobody could afford to be an outcast, there was a reason banishment used to be the ultimate punishment for a crime) no longer have the worth they once did.

Healthy is taken to extremes by many these days, once it merely meant you had the required appendages and could work a day in the field. Ask any testosterone jock or fitness babe, do they always get their man and the answer will be - no. It has its importance, but it's not the only thing to look for in a life partner.

Money can't buy you love. It may buy you a better life style, however. But lifestyles of luxury, such as many in the western world live, leads to a desire for other things than a stable family life. Money is still one of the strongest forces keeping families together. Working as a pair, man and wife can be a formidable team. But when the objectives are achieved, as often happens nowadays, when the house, car and holiday are all paid for (or on credit), then what is there? What binds the family then?

A ridged social structure might do it, but there are many problems with that kind of society. It doesn't allow for quick social change, and often does a lot of harm to a societies chance of advancement. In the society where you can only marry into certain families, you have to worry about inbreeding, nepotism, and the don't think mentality. I do as my ancestors did, and don't have to do any more.

The exclusion of lower cast people is a big mistake; ideas often originate with people who work in the field, not their bosses. Free society has shown that it is not a persons rank in life, but their education, and personal motivation, that make them succeed or not. Telling some one they are low in social status so can not marry the business mans son is a foolish waste of potential.

So what does the modern girl have to base her choice on? If you follow the love connection it would be - Does she like her mate? Do they have things to talk about, skills in common, similar objectives in life? Are they in Love?

Why base partnership on Love? The old rules are no longer working due to the increased population, and there needs to be some kind of workable system to take its place.

One of the reasons Love is an advantage is because humans as a whole are beginning to live longer. And people do change as time goes by. If you have a good friendship with your partner, even quite substantial changes in their out look on life can be lived with. Because they are basically someone you like and you are willing to make adjustments for them.

Even more importantly love works for the children. They who once spent a bare ten years under a parent's wing, may be with them for twenty years or more. That is a long time. Especially if you don't like them. By falling in love with a partner, a woman insures, as best she can, that the child she has will please her. She will like the child, because it will be of a temperament that she finds likable, the same as her chosen mate.

A child that the mother loves will receive better care. Look at what happened in Romania, when women were forced to have children they did not want, and did not love. This happens everywhere, and the results are often hidden. Politicians talk of things like poverty, illiteracy and drugs, but don't look at the underlying problem of parents who don't love their kids, can not empathise with them, didn't want them in the first place.

Nobody who does not want children should have them. Until a man or woman is ready, society should not force the issue upon them. A mother who has waited until she was ready is a far better one than a girl who had to do the right thing or be ostracised from her family is.

Time will often unlock some ones heart. A girl who wasn't ready to have a child will suddenly want one because she has met Mr. Right - love has made her ready. More importantly it has given her the confidence that the child will be loved and cared for and we all wish that for our children.

Children will listen and learn more from people they like. As they mirror their parents, so the parents mirror them. And like attracts like. Who wouldn't aim for a more agreeable child if they could? A child can feel if there is tension in the air, and if they are in an unloving household, may resent it. Love is a need, like shelter. As kids resent not having enough food, they resent not being given enough love. You can't fake it. They will know.

Love makes us care, physically care. We do the little things that make living more likely i.e. holding hands when crossing a road. It might seem small, but small gestures of affection can actually save lives. Extra care in hygiene, schooling, clothing or nutrition makes a difference to the kind of human beings walking around right now.

There have been some serious attempts to derail the love connection. Women's magazines are the worst offenders. One of the biggest messages they send out is, to get the man you want, you must be the woman he wants you to be. But as time goes by, people stop playing the roles assumed in courtship. A man no longer cooks and cleans. A woman no longer watches her weight. They no longer talk of football together. After she secures her man, a woman may feel it is now safe to revert to being her old self, right? Nope.

How many divorcees claim they no longer know their partners? A staggeringly large amount! That is because they never did know them, only the persona put on by one or the other to make that wedding catch. The love connection will work, but it needs to be based on who we really are.

Things like sperm donors and such will not improve matters. How can you love a child that may have no characteristics considered 'lovable' by yourself? We really do like our own children better. Why else is there such a high percentage of child abuse done by step parents who wouldn't think to touch their own kids in anger? We love our children because they are like us, and like the ones we love. Love is a powerful driving force, as strong as economics, stronger than society, stronger than any physical barrier. Many people like to play down love and its effects. They see it as weak. That is not true. As a way of strengthening the human race, it is second to none.

An affectionate family is not weak; it is bound together, focused. Love is a survival trait we can not afford to overlook, but it needs to be studied more. The rules, muddied to the point where there are no longer any reliable guidelines by gender war, commercialism and many other factors, need to be found again. In place of all knowing wisdom, research and tradition, I'm going to offer this.

Be yourself. Love the one whom you decide to live and have children with. Don't run at crosswalks, go slowly and hold each other's hands.

The End.