God is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.
Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends.
Tonight's sermon, "What is Hell?" Come early and hear our choir practice.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. They have a dial-a-prayer service, when you ring up, no one answers.
God must love stupid people, he made so many of them…
Should priests marry? Only if they love each other.
Earth is Heaven and Hell's insane asylum!
Even worse - Earth's probably God's stress ball!
He's a self made man and he worships his creator.
God was my co-pilot...but then we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
Here lie I, Martin Elginbrodde:
When God made man, She was only joking (look and see for yourself!)
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You keep on believing. We'll keep on evolving.
Yea! And the Lord giveth domain of all the animals unto man (except, of course, for cats).
§ From Church Bulletins §
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double
doors at the side entrance.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward
and get a piece of paper.
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Potluck supper Thursday night-prayer and
medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the
north and south ends of the church.
Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet.
Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
§ § § §
Humans where not meant to understand everything. Certainly not sober.
So I'm going to start the "Christians for Cthulhu" movement, explaining that Cthulu *loves*
Things to Do to Not Get Invited Back to Church
1. During Communion, when handed the wafers,
2. When the minister invites the congregation to pray,
3. Make change from the collection plate.
4. During the sermon, add sound effects ie
5. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Lovechild".
6. Ask if you can have your body tattoos blessed.
7. While the rest of the congregation is singing
8. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.
9. On the high note of Amazing Grace, vomit.
10. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.
11. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud.
12. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap)
13. Tarot readings during Sunday School.
14. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.
15. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"
16. Bring pets.
17. Try to sell popcorn in the aisles.
18. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball and a lighter.
19. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)
20. Bring your own incense.
21. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.
22. Attend services in drag.
23. Keep asking, "When do the goats get sacrificed?"
24. Two words: Super Soaker.
Jesus comes upon a group of people stoning
A Lie: an abomination to the lord. But a very
Did you hear about the three ministers who
An insomniac dyslexic agnostic lay awake all
If you think life is a joke, consider the punch line.
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden,
God is Love, I dare say.
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