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 When God made man, She was only joking (look and see for yourself!)
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You keep on believing. We'll keep on evolving.
Yea! And the Lord giveth domain of all the animals unto man (except, of course, for cats).
§ From Church Bulletins §
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please
see the minister in his private study.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double
doors at the side entrance.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward
and get a piece of paper.
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Potluck supper Thursday night-prayer and
medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the
north and south ends of the church.
Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet.
Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies will start quietly and
the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
§ § § §
Humans where not meant to understand everything. Certainly not sober.
So I'm going to start the "Christians for Cthulhu" movement, explaining that Cthulu *loves*
Christians and wants them all to go down into
the sewer and become one with him..."
Things to Do to Not Get Invited Back to Church
1. During Communion, when handed the wafers,
declare loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan."
2. When the minister invites the congregation to pray,
pull out a drum and start chanting.
3. Make change from the collection plate.
4. During the sermon, add sound effects ie
"There came a flood - whoosh!"
5. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Lovechild".
6. Ask if you can have your body tattoos blessed.
7. While the rest of the congregation is singing
"Michael Row the Boat Ashore" try to start rounds of
"Row, Row, Row your Boat".
8. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.
9. On the high note of Amazing Grace, vomit.
10. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.
11. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud.
12. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap)
13. Tarot readings during Sunday School.
14. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.
15. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"
16. Bring pets.
17. Try to sell popcorn in the aisles.
18. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball and a lighter.
19. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)
20. Bring your own incense.
21. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.
22. Attend services in drag.
23. Keep asking, "When do the goats get sacrificed?"
24. Two words: Super Soaker.
Jesus comes upon a group of people stoning
a woman for theft. He steps in front of her and says,
"Let they who are without sin cast the first stone."
Shamed, the people put down their masonry.
Suddenly a stone whistles past Jesus' head,
and knocks the thief out cold. Looking into
the crowd, Jesus covers his eye's and says,
"Aww, Muuum!!!"
A Lie: an abomination to the lord. But a very
present help in times of trouble.
Did you hear about the three ministers who
were talking about their common problem with
bats in the belfry of the church?
~The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork."
~The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 km away. But they beat me back to the church!"
~The third: "I caught them, and baptised and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."
An insomniac dyslexic agnostic lay awake all
night wondering if there was a Dog.
The next day he mentioned it at the dyslexic's
convention and started an argument ....
The dyslexic atheist claimed there was no Dog.
But the dyslexic priest insisted there was a Dog.
"Fine," said the dyslexic philosopher, "but Dog is dead."
"Well," countered a dyslexic fatalist, "it really doesn't
matter. Even if there were a Dog, he wouldn't
come if you called him!"
"Ah," said the priest, "Dog ex machina!"
If you think life is a joke, consider the punch line.
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden,
you walked with us every day. Now we do
not see you any more. We are lonesome here,
and it is difficult for us to remember how
much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion
for you that will be with you and who will be
a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as
I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection
of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a
companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and
Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they
are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a
companion who will be with them and who will
see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not
the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a flame one way or the other…
God is Love, I dare say.
But what a mischievous devil Love is.
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