Fire Frog's

"How to be Buff"

By Jim Ellison.

1. Guns are for wimps. Drop yours at the first opportunity.

2. Nobody pushes you around. Not the bad guys. Not your Boss. Not your ex-wife. (OK, the guide can, but only him. And you whine about it afterwards.)

3. Big trucks mean big...er...manly attributes. Ask any chick.

4. Junk food is energy food. Go for it.

5. Buff guys don't need hair.

6. Or clothes. Get your kit off at every opportunity.

7. Frilly aprons are manly.

8. Wash board stomachs are nice, rock hard abs make chicks sing. But if you can't flash that 'gottcha' smile, you ain't got nothing!

9. Buff guys go nowhere without sun glasses, a mobile phone and a guide.

10. Remember the magic word. Delegate. The guide wants to do the paperwork/ the laundry/ research/ call for backup/ get the coffee etc...

11. Be gracious. In return for his efforts, occasionally save the guide from psychopaths, hit men, bank robbers, and dissertation panels.