Work Humour 2.

Stuffed.

A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work as well as when it was new.

Flamed.

Terminally stuffed.

Flame me dead.

A technical expression meaning that after you have stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

Flame it all.

An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Sadly, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, or what it looks like.

Flaming bloody flame.

An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanically re-aligning, only to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.

Holy bloody shit.

The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

Shit, flame, shit.

The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critical to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

Shit, shit, shit.

Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Something hot weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

How the flame...

Often used to indicate that in the technicians opinion the designers of the machine might have done things differently.

Bloody flame.

Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

Holy flaming shit!

This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I forgot to isolate it.

Bugger bloody flame.

You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding as to why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: if the word 'holy' is used as well, it means all 200 wires are the same colour.

Flaming damn shit.

I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

Flaming bloody damn.

A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

Holy bloody flame!

My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horse power motor and I can't reach the power switch.

Holy bloody bugger, bugger it!

My tie is again caught by something being driven by a 200 horse power motor, and someone has a camera.

Bugger, flame, damn.

An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.

I don't talk to dorks like you.

An expression that initiates many long and meaningful meetings between management and customers, where the manager desperately tries to persuade the customer that something the technicians passionately believe in has never entered their heads.

If you're such a clever dick, you fix it then.

A phrase which precedes an unusually long period before the next salary increase. Can be effective at getting on a Customer Relations Course.

If you don't like the way I'm flaming well fixing it....

I was taught that a screwdriver also doubles as a chisel, a putty knife, a tire lever, a door jam, a paint stirrer, a coconut opener, a big nail, an emergency fuse link, something to lean under a tire of the managers car, or a tool to wake snoozing apprentices with (when sharpened).

Why don't you buy another flaming one.

If you persist in using something built during the Crimean War, of course it will sometimes break down.

Competitive Salary!

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast Paced Company...

We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented.

You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required.

Some time each night, some time each weekend.

Duties will Vary.

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an Eye for Detail!

We have no quality control.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience...

You will need to replace three people who just left.

Problem Solving Skills a Must!

You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

Requires Team Leadership Skills.

You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

Good Communication Skills Required.

Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

I know how to deal with stressful situations!

I've caused enough of them! When I'm not directly involved with a crisis I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organisation skills.

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organisation!

I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.

I pilfer office supplies.

I take pride in my work!

I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centred.

I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humour.

I know a lot of sexist, racist and homophobic jokes and I love telling them in front of younger workmates.

I'm personable.

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'm willing to relocate.

As long as you don't forward my new address to the wife and kids.

I'm extremely professional.

I carry a Day-Timer.

I am adaptable.

I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go!

I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed!

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

I have formal training.

I'm a university drop-out.

I interact well with co-workers.

I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Wait! Don't throw this application away!

I look forwards to hearing from you soon.

As do my relatives and friends that also await hiring.

A Clarification

To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Essentially complete

It's half done.

Expedite

To confound confusion with commotion.

Give us your interpretation

Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary's good sense.

Informed Source

The guy who told the guy you just met.

It is in process

So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Let's get together on this

I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.

Not well defined at this time

Nobody's even thought about it.

Not well understood

Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it any more.

Please discuss

I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

Requires further analysis and management attention

Totally out of control!

Results are being quantified

We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Results are promising

Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...

Serious but not insurmountable problems

It'll take a miracle.

Task force to review

Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

We are making a survey

We need more time to think of an answer.

We predict

We hope to God!

We're basically on plan

Revenue shortfall of 25 percent.

Possibility of a slight shortfall

Revenue shortfall of 75 percent.

Too early to tell

Results to date have been grim.

Turnaround opportunity

The horse has four feet in the air.

We're currently revisiting the budget

Our financial plan is in total chaos.

Acquisition Strategy

Our current products have no market.

Bio-tech business model

Potentially bigger fools have been identified.

We're in a cyclical industry

We posted a huge loss last year.

Long selling cycle

We have yet to find a customer who likes the product.

We're upgrading the management team

We accidentally sacked the only person who understood all this.

Entrepreneurial CEO

Totally uncontrollable, bordering on maniacal.